a lazy saturday

Babies,both me and daddy are really sorry.

I know we said that we will go jalan-jalan,but til now,we are still at home.

We used the rain as an excuse.

Used hunger as an excuse.

Now my 2 babies are taking a nap.

I promise, once u guys wake up,we’ll go for ice cream.

Love u cookies.


Separated, for now

it is sad to say, but me and hubby are currently separated at the moment. we still live under the same roof, but we dont sleep on the same bed anymore.

this has been going on for the almost 1 1/2 months.

i cant the remember the last time we actually slept in each others arms.

or cuddle underneath the covers.

or to wake up in the middle of the night to find our legs intertwined.

or to hear his heartbeat lull me to sleep as i lay my head on his chest.

we didnt ask for it, it just happened.

and yes, it is because of another lady.

yes, i know about it.

and yes, i have met her. actually i meet her everyday.

i cant compete with her.

she is gorgeous, talented, smart, kind and very very attractive. in short, she is perfect.

unlike me.

can i change what is happening? yes, but i dont have the heart.

can you put forward your own happiness before others?

cos i know that the other lady is happy.

takpela, its okay. let her have her happiness, while i suffer in silence.

it not only hurts me inside, but even my physical being.

but i guess, i just have to suffer in silence.

i have confronted hubby many times, but he said i am just being selfish.

that i am only thinking about myself.

is it wrong? i want to be happy too.

i even have the picture of the other lady.

i dont care, but i want to show to the whole world, and let everyone know.

that this is the one separating me and my hubby.

the perfect lady


you see, this lady has been hogging the bed.

and poor daddy is resorted to sleep in HER kiddy bed.

kesian daddy,nasib baik kaki tak panjang sangat, kalau tak lagi kesian.

so yes, thats why i havent slept with hubby. pasal Jasmine wants to sleep with me and Rashard on the bed.

what? what were you thinking?!

to my baby cake

happy birthday sayang. i hope you enjoyed your birthday party yesterday at school as well as our intimate dinner at the place where idontlikethefoodbuthavetogoonceayearcosyoulikethebirthdaysingingandchanting.

i will try to write a post on the place yang sangat bersyukur ianya hari Jumaat, but that will be another post.


this one is dedicated to my beloved 6 going 35 darling who is a mini replica of me.

babycakes,  i know i have this tendency to have too high of expectations on you. dont get me wrong, i am not pushing you, its just that i know you have so much potential.

alhamdulillah you are smart, beautiful (i got it from my momma!), witty, a GREAT sister, daddy’s little girl, very kind and soft hearted, very stubborn and hard headed, a person who sticks to her guns, sometimes very timid and shy and very loving.


i am totally in awe everytime you say something that belies your actual age. and sometimes worry that you are hanging around my friends too much that you are growing up too fast. (yes, she knows about gays, and transgenders and lesbos).


you my baby is the best singer. the ability for you to memorize a song lyric that you like suprises me. and the fact that she wants to have a band with her as the singer and her youngest uncle as her guitarist is so cute.


you my baby, you  are the best thing that ever happened to my life.  you and kenzo and daddy. but with you, you will always be special cos..


ur you. i am having difficulty trying to explain and to put it in words, but it boils down to that. you are special cos you are you.


and because you are mine.


i love you baby cakes, and i know there will be fights, youslammingthedoorcoslifeisunfair, shopping conspiracies that we will have to hide from daddy, me covering up for you when you need to go for a date with a boy that daddy didnt like, and so many other things that we will share in the future, insyaAllah.


please remember that i love you, and no matter what, you CAN tell me everything eventhough i might die of a high blood pressure or just get a cardiac arrest.



i will promise to love you no matter what, and i will protect you against all harm and wrong as long as i can.


i love you babe. always always.


Dona Alesya Jasmine 7 months old

High Strung

its been a hectic few months.

and i have been goin on a roller coaster ride.


i would like to publicly apologise to firstly my darling boyfriend. sayang, am so sorry if i have been a beeyatch these past few weeks. i’ve been snapping, sarcastic, throwing hissy fits, and just being downright difficult.

im sorry.

to my babies, Jasmine and Rashard, Bonda is really sorry for neglecting you cookies. its not that i dont love you, but i have been very stressed up, and i know it is not your fault, and i should be doing this to both of you.

to my family, im sorry if i have been too busy and not being able to be 100% there.

and my Has-beens and my munchkins, sorry for the lack of time and effort. i want to, but mind is halfway elsewhere.

i have been too busy, that i haven’t been dishing out sarcastic remarks to my favourite group of people!


so, gimme a few more weeks to settle all this, before i can take my long anticipated break.

Last but not least, i would like to say


We love you babycakes. always always.


Daddy, Bonda, Adik a.k.a Kenzo and Bibik loves you loads!

Boobie Fever

we went to Dr Junina’s for Rashard’s shot on Monday.

and as usual, while weighing him, i saw the worried look on the nurse’s face.

you see, my handsome boy is slightly underweight.

based on his growth charts, he is progressing. but not in the generic-at-his-age-average-weight-group.

to me, fudge average. average is boring.

the same as generic.

however, as it is about his health and development, i have to fudge myself.

so, the doc ordered – NO MORE  BOOBIES!

sigh. easier said than done.

doc said that he is too dependent on BOOBIES that he refuses to eat or drink milk whenever i am around cos, hey, my BOOBIES are more attractive.

they are, if I do say so myself.

however, i digress.

so, i vowed to put him off cold turkey, as the last time we wanted to do this, it didnt work because of many factors.

  1. daddy didnt support it. he felt that it was ok for Rashard to latch on.
  2. Grandma and Grandpa didnt support it. same reason as above.
  3. i was too soft hearted. i couldnt bear to see him cry.
  4. i was selfish. i wanted sleep. and BOOBIEing was easy. how? Cry – lift top – BOOBIE out – baby latch – I SLEEP!

but this time, i told myself, it is now or never.

and guess what.



as usual, he wanted his evening feed yesterday when i came back from work. i didnt give in.

CRIED like i have beaten him with the rotan.

*heart broken*

when he wanted to sleep, i had to carry, cuddle, sing, tell him a story, hushed, whispered, comforted and massaged his back.

CRIED and called out my name “EENNDAAAA” (bonda)

*me heart broken yet again*

where was  daddy all this while? there, giving support from afar, as the moment daddy came close, he screamed “BABAB DIDDY, BABAB DIDDY” (babap/hit daddy)

yes, Zul is Puff Diddy at home.

and he slept for a while.

he woke up again at 4. can u imagine how easy it was for me to just lift up my top and bring out the gals?

nope. i vowed to do it right this time.

he cried, called my name, wanted me to babab everyone in sight.

so i called in the big guns.

the saviour.

my life line.


we went to the living room to watch Thomas save the day at 4 am in the morning, while lying down on the couch.

so, if i dont look like sunshine this morning, you know why.

(not that i look like sunshine ever)

he tried to get his fix in the car as well.

thank God for toys.

so yes, as for now, my baby boy has gone thru at least 37 hours without BOOBIES.

my next quest is getting him to drink the formula with me.

yesterday at 4, he drank some, but Bibik had to help.

pray that this will last.

for his sake and mine.


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My new home

have decided to give WordPress a try. since i am a scardy cat with anything IT, this move had been postponed numerous times edi. but today, i have decided.

this is because i have things on my mind that i would love to document in my virtual journal, but not for all eyes.

and my old blog doesn’t allow me to do so.

so, here’s to new things and places.

welcome to my new home.